Calling on "Dr. Peak"

[Dakota]

Maybe I should tune into Dr. Laura with my life lately. Peak is becoming the Dr. Phil forum.

My son gave up playing elite level hockey this year so naturally he now wants to be out on Friday nights with no 6 am practice to attend.

What would you guys do? Last night my 16 y.o. son was out. And once again he wasn't checking in like I insist. So about 8:30 pm I text him because I hadn't heard from him since about noon that day.

He texted me back "sorry" and a couple minutes later asks if he can spend the night at his friends. I tell him "no I need him to hike in with me in the morning", it is a treacherous canyon. He says Ok. 15 minutes later he texts: "I don't want to lie, I've had a couple of beers"

I was going to pick him up 25 miles away but then thought then I would have schlep cars the next day to get his car back. I told to stop drinking right now, just spend the night and be back by 8 am. He did.

Add this to my girlfriend finding a vape in his pocket doing laundry a month ago. She gave it back him told him she didn't like it and he should knock it off. She then confided in me, not wanting to circumvent my authority but then asked me not to confront him because it could hurt their relationship if he felt ratted out to Dad. I listened and let it go. But also asked him if he vaped a week or so later and he denied he does.

I am very happy he did the right thing. I am pissed some friends dad thought is was fine to give my kid beers without me knowing anything about it. Disappointed he has started drinking early, but realize I started drinking earlier than that. (it lead to problems too)

Times have changed, in CA you can go to jail for providing alcohol to a minor. You lose your license for ANY detectable alcohol as a minor, I think until you are 21.

I want to give this the right seriousness but be thankful he made the right call by being honest and not driving. I don't want him making the same mistakes I did and there is also a lot of alcoholism in his family. I did a hell of lot worse when I was young our parents used to buy the kegs as long as we wouldn't drive. But the earlier you start the more potential for abuse.

What is the balanced approach?

[liftsiron]

It's his friends father that supplied the beer, that I would confront. It seems your boy is pretty normal for a 16 year old today.

[b52]

Man half the stuff I did was enough to make kids today look like a Sunday school picnic. That being said I'm happy it's over and the guy I am today would've hated my punk ass back then. Confront him about both. I'll give you an example that just happened. My friends step daughter just got in a wreck on the highway driving drunk. Really screwed her life up but she's alive and so is the other driver. Now they are pretty lenient with her knowing kids are gonna drink. They tell her if you're drinking you need to call us and we'll come get you. I don't want to hear about you on the news. Good approach I think cuz we know they're gonna do it anyway. But as my mom used to say you give a kid an inch they take a mile. So she basically would start drinking at family outings and start hiding alcohol in her room which was not the agreement my friend had made with her so he would dump it out and fill it with grape juice. Lol.

But then she would no longer tell him if she was drinking and sometimes he couldn't tell if she was. Some people just seem normal even if they're smashed. So instead of telling him she was drinking she decided to drive herself home and somehow managed to face the wrong way on the highway. Amazing no one was severely hurt. Lucky kid. Moral of the story is you can't just take your kids word that he's doing the right thing. Set boundaries and explain to him he can ruin his whole life for one night of fun. If he's drinking go get him. You can't trust he won't get in someone's car one night or not suck down more beers after you told him not to. You don't actually know how drunk he is. I used to tell my mother id be doing one thing when I'd be doing the opposite. Now for the vaping is it weed or just that stupid vape thing.

[Dakota]

The stupid vape thing.

[b52]

The stupid vape thing.

I think that's the least of your worries. I hate them too I think they are the stupidest things but kids will be kids. It's more of a nuisance to us I think than anything. But I'd have the talk with him about the alcohol.

[Roughrydr]

Because of the type of environment my kids were in for part of their lives. They are very open. They drank in the yard and smoked weed in the yard. Still do when here. I. Not crazy about it but it gave me a bit of control over everything.
Not sure if that's possible in your situation. My yard is 20 acres.

[Dawgpound_Hank]

Damn I dread the day I have to deal with this - Jr will be 16 in 10 years. Hope I'm still alive haha. I really don't know what to tell you bcoz I can see how both sides have pros & cons. Be too strict, then they will do it behind your back & lie. Be open, maybe they abuse it. So wtf. Let us know how it works out amigo.

[A1food4u]

Dakota, you know my kid played AAA hockey and softball.... My mind w grabbed onto you leading the story with it..... I think that some of your disappointment in him stems from the idea he gave up what could have been a career and perhaps lucrative, that his behavior now isn't like the tenacity he showed to get that far in the sport.... But consider this, Your kid is fighting against a lot of outside pull, and in the end came clean and did the right thing. You raised a good kid!!!

The Vaping though... that I can't understand... lung capacity being the foundation of every hard shift on the ice...I don't get that one.... that's gotta be the friends, unless he is trying to disassociate himself from his previous athletic identity. Maybe the thing to do is NOT address that one directly.... Is there a sport that the two of you enjoy that might show him his lungs aren't working like they used to??? as hes panting to catch his wind, that might be the time to plant an innocent seed " Boy son, a light session like that didn't used to wind you...hmmm... and leave it lie... plant the seed and see if it grows.

I feel for you brother, that sounds like an extreme change of priorities for the young man....

[Glycomann]

IDK.. my father would ahve kicked my ass and then scheduled me for 6 shifts a week at the sweatshop for the next 6 months.

[mrhtbd]

Last week a millennial guy (front of me in line) requested some new kind of vape package (evidently vape plus smoking) the guy was a total stool no f-ing clue what-so-ever, the lady got the thing and said, “Forty-five dollars!” He hedged and hawed before saying, “Maybe later!”
“Wow,” I thought, $45 as an invite to get hooked? Shee-it, when I was young the first hit was always free! How times have changed!! Pitiful

[Roughrydr]

I've always been of the opinion you lead your kids not by your words but by the example they see in you. With all of my faults I e been an okay example. Not great. But they were loved and not abused. Accepted even though some disappointments. But when it's all said and done you can only point them in the right direction. Ultimately they make their own decision. My oldest son is a functioning alcoholic except where it comes to dealing with people. He's an ass in his dealings with others when he drinks. My younger son is great at dealing with people, women, friends, but he's lazy. But I can deal with him. Both drink, the younger not to excess like the older. Both smoke weed daily. But raised the same way. The only thing I know is that by keeping them close they are both still alive and we have a great relationship. They love and bbc respect me. But it's tough. I've heard that if you teach them a love for Harley motorcycles at an early age and they will always be too broke for drugs or booze.

[Bigpapapumpaf]

Been there and done that.

He's being a normal 16 year old kid and as such he is experimenting and finding his own path. Give him enough slack to make mistakes and learn from them.

He was honest about having some beers, tell him that's a big no go in the future and explain all of the consequences and what they could do to the rest of his life.

Same with vaping I tried the angle of loosing a D1 scholarship for football but my youngest kept at it. He lied about it many times, I jumped his ass and eventually he just out grew it.

As parents we always want to protect them, especially from themselves but every once in awhile we have to let them fall on their face and see how they pick themselves up.

BPP

[Dakota]

Well, it just kicked itself up a notch. I was out of state and he told his mom he was staying at a friends house and had a party at mine. This week he was busted for getting high in the parking lot and is now suspended and facing possible expulsion to an alternative school. They called the sheriffs to the school. His school is handling it no nonsense.

This is hard. 6 months ago Prep schools and the NAHL was inviting him to summer hockey camps.

[Dawgpound_Hank]

Well, it just kicked itself up a notch. I was out of state and he told his mom he was staying at a friends house and had a party at mine. This week he was busted for getting high in the parking lot and is now suspended and facing possible expulsion to an alternative school. They called the sheriffs to the school. His school is handling it no nonsense.

This is hard. 6 months ago Prep schools and the NAHL was inviting him to summer hockey camps.

Damn bro I'm sorry to hear that. It's so weird how he went from jock-mode to this. I mean did he ENJOY playing sports? I'm only asking bcoz I seen this happen to one of my good friends in HS. His dad pushed him sooo hard, freaking out there screaming and shit during his wrestling matches, dogging him in front of everybody if he messed up or lost. We all really did pity him. Sure enough, he did a complete 180 like your son is doing. Not implying you do that by any means, just trying to figure out what the heck happened for him to have such a change. Most jocks - including myself in school - we might have a few beers at a party on a weekend or toke a little, but nothing like doing what the "stoners" did via getting high DURING/AT school dayuum! Hopefully this instance will be a wake-up call for him to straighten up. I hope you get it figured out amigo - good luck.

[Dakota]

I was tuff on him but not one of "those" crazy dads. He said he wanted to play college hockey in MN and that is VERY high goal. He practiced 6 days a week but two of those nights were by his choice. Turns out now his mother hated "our hockey thing" and all the time we spent traveling all over the US together. I have learned his mom told him if he dropped hockey she would buy him a new car and it worked. His former teammates are in hockey prep school this year. There is no limit to the evil in my ex.

He is doing a Maya Culpa but I am not sure yet if he is sorry or sorry he got caught. I told him he is to old to be punished like a grade schooler and this is about life decisions. I think he respected that. I am going to try to get him more involved in our church and hopefully around some quality character.

To complicate things he admitted the pot was his and he shared it with a friend in the car. "Distributing" the Sheriffs were called. Also he had a lockblade that I had given him in his car. That is a WEAPON in this politically correct times. I could give a FK about him having a pocket knife. It is going to be all I can do on Monday to keep my cool if they don't stay focused on the pot and start ranting about a friggin knife. Good damn thing I am long of Tren or they would need the Sheriffs again.

I hope I am laughing along with the other parents that are telling me this is not a big deal "their kids went through it too". It feels like a big deal at the moment.

Sorry so long, I am venting a little....