son visitation today

[mrhtbd]

Today I drove over 7 hours round trip to visit my son and his mother recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Man, a great day. The kid is 12 1/2 and is a splitting image. We stood side-by-side next to a mirror and our faces and hair are almost an exact match.
It's been too long since I have been permitted to see this kid. We played basketball and after lunch went our to kick the soccer ball.
I came home and went to the daughter's gymnastic lessons. They came home while I went to get them some food.
When I brought it back they both threw a fit because it just wasn't right. What a couple of ungrateful little crybabies.
My son doesn't want gifts, he won't take money, he just wants to spend time with me.
I won't relinquish the daughters, but maybe I need to bring the son into their lives to straighten them the hell out.
This "treat-their-dad-like-shit-just-like-their-mother-bullshit" is too old already, and I'm sick of it.
Changes are going to happen, and I'm not going to wait until the ex dies for them to happen.

[Thate]

What exactly is the wife's problem with your son?

[Lokedogg]

Today I drove over 7 hours round trip to visit my son and his mother recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Man, a great day. The kid is 12 1/2 and is a splitting image. We stood side-by-side next to a mirror and our faces and hair are almost an exact match.
It's been too long since I have been permitted to see this kid. We played basketball and after lunch went our to kick the soccer ball.
I came home and went to the daughter's gymnastic lessons. They came home while I went to get them some food.
When I brought it back they both threw a fit because it just wasn't right. What a couple of ungrateful little crybabies.
My son doesn't want gifts, he won't take money, he just wants to spend time with me.
I won't relinquish the daughters, but maybe I need to bring the son into their lives to straighten them the hell out.
This "treat-their-dad-like-shit-just-like-their-mother-bullshit" is too old already, and I'm sick of it.
Changes are going to happen, and I'm not going to wait until the ex dies for them to happen.

You're a victim of your own self. If your wife and daughters are treating you that way, it's because you've enabled them! In a situation that needs an adjustment,, too abruptly changing from the norm you've established will not be well received. Instead even if they realize their faults(unlikely with kids) it would more come across as "Wtf is wrong with him?" The situation didn't start over night and can't be changed overnight. It needs to be changed at the same speed it is served. Example: you bring home hamburger and they snub their nose and say they want chicken, you tell them "better luck next time!" and walk out. Gradually they see you're not just in a "bad mood" rather the old ways are gone. Too many people "putting their foot down" go overboard all at once and then don't stick to it. They end up with a more fucked up situation.

[mrhtbd]

You're a victim of your own self. If your wife and daughters are treating you that way, it's because you've enabled them! In a situation that needs an adjustment,, too abruptly changing from the norm you've established will not be well received. Instead even if they realize their faults(unlikely with kids) it would more come across as "Wtf is wrong with him?" The situation didn't start over night and can't be changed overnight. It needs to be changed at the same speed it is served. Example: you bring home hamburger and they snub their nose and say they want chicken, you tell them "better luck next time!" and walk out. Gradually they see you're not just in a "bad mood" rather the old ways are gone. Too many people "putting their foot down" go overboard all at once and then don't stick to it. They end up with a more fucked up situation.

Thank you, Loke, this is definately thought-out advice I can use and will.
Oh, and wife's problem with son is she is jealous of his mother; i.e., taller, thinner, blonder, and blue-eyed'er.
(Plus, she had me first).

[Valkyrie]

No offense but that sounds pretty fucked up. Your current wife doesn't like you seeing your son because she is jealous of his mother?

[HOTROCKS]

[mrhtbd]

No offense but that sounds pretty fucked up. Your current wife doesn't like you seeing your son because she is jealous of his mother?

I can't figure it out. My wife knew about him before we got serious. I told her I wanted to be in his life. Her standard response to anything I said about him was, "You made your choice."
And I reply, "Yeah, about the woman, not about the boy." I also always remind her she has no right to deny a son his father or vice-a-versa. Ridiculous.

She may have been afraid my son's mother would come after us for money.
I paid voluntary child support until my son was two and his mom and I had a giant fight which resulted in that she didn't want me to see him. I could never figure that out, why she changed so suddenly. Things have changed in that regard.

I found out yesterday, her husband was behind the scheme and used denial of insurance and money unless she went along. It's really fucked up. This guy was separated from her for six years before we even met, but they are still married for the benefits and their kids. Particularly an 18 year old with spina bifida. She was six when I met the mother, and the man was living separately.

I can get all that, and also why she caved in to the guy and had the boy with husband there to sign the birth certificate with his own name.
They wanted me to disappear, which I vowed I never would, but didn't have money to fight it.

I guess the guy went about life with a "healthy son." Somehow after having a miscarriage then a kid with spina bifida (paralysed and in a wheelchair for life) I guess the guy felt somehow justified in public by his new healthy son. He acted like the boy was his, and used coercion against the mother to play along with it. She may have had reason's as well; I didn't have a stable work history, just 17 years in the military, which, according to their family wasn't worth much.

Since then I got 2 Master Degree's and am working on a Principal's Certification, now you may understand why the fighting force behind getting these degree's, and the options for employment into my older years they may provide, has been maintained.

Lately I was severely depressed because I couldn't see the kid, he was likewise. I could hear it in his voice.
They waited until he was 9 1/2 to take him out to dinner and tell him the man was not his father, that I was and who I was, that I was now married and had kids. Before that I called her regularly for years and was not allowed to see him or talk to him since he was 18 months old. After they told him, she finally let me talk to him. I have talked to him on the phone about every week for almost 3 years. I only saw him once a year and a half ago. Took off work one day and drove up and then back. Didn't tell anyone. Chicken shit I guess. Wife would always threaten for me to move out and take the kids. I had to have more leg to stand on, as her parents watched them during the day. This month they will be 4 and 9, I think it's about time they discover and meet their brother. This will happen before the end of this year. Hopefully it will not be too late for the boy's mother to enjoy.

Now the whole lung cancer thing has brought everything into the light, and I just don't care about playing stupid games any more. My son's mother doesn't want money, my son refuses to take money, gifts, or anything from me. Turns out the father has something to say about that and this has lent a negative effect. They'd rather he not know or see about any gifts I give him than hear the wrath. I got the boy a Wii 15 months ago and I guess they have been hearing grumbling about that ever since. Meanwhile, he's cheap as dirt and hangs money over them all the time.

I really liked this woman. This kid was born out of love. It was a fleeting relationship and things outside ourselves lent a heavy price on it but the fact is this kid is great. I just can't allow his mother to die thinking I didn't come to claim him, want him, or ever get to know him, and since yesterday, wow, seeing him almost a teenager and seeing how much he is just like me it burns deeper into me more than ever.

It is a deep and painful situation which has been effecting me for thirteen years, but I am resolved to go the distance.

I am at 216BW now, lost 49 pounds since April 2009, and am prepping for job searching this spring after I get my permanent teaching certification.
As depressed, elated, and in the no-uncertain emotional turmoil I'm in, I took today off to see some doctors and then aplied myself to the diligent task of necessary work.
I just (this afternoon) finished three major papers, (over 90 pages total) and I am going back into work tomorrow, with a renewed sense of conviction, that what I have worked to accomplish for so long is really starting to glimmer out of the distance into the day.

Ramble over, I move on to collect my paperwork and head to a parent-teacher conference for my third grade daughter, then it's off to her gymnastic class after dinner, and then I think I deserve to go and disappear into the hallowed hall of the gym, the music, the power, accomplished self.
It's back today, back and biceps. Later...
That is part of the rest-of-the-story.
The saga continues...