M
mrhtbd
Guest
Ok, lately I have gone over the edge. This has evidently taken me to a level of intolerance from others, and I respect the red flags. They made me step back and reassimilate, that means to try and figure out the things that got me here, connect them to where I think I am, and see how they fit into my future picture.
In a word, I went over the top and was just plain offensive.
As I reflected on this I finally accepted what a psychologist tried to convince me of a year and a half ago, that I am experiencing post traumatic stress.
I tried to deny it, over the years (because I have heard this before), as I am of the generation that to overcome problems is to do just that, overcome, and get on with it, but certain behaviors have surfaced more and more so I decided to reflect on it.
I have witnessed a lot of death in my life, violent endings, trauma, and uncertainty. This started at age six when my mother and brother were killed in a fire and the house was destroyed. In addition, I have had a lot of violence in my personal life; beatings, getting hit in the head by a refrigerator thrown from the neighbors deck in college, accidents and the like (not from my father though). Altogether, they have tended to make me a fatalist.
I see everything ending badly, everything. The pressure is great.
I have been able to maintain in my present life because I have some cushioning. I am married to a nice girl, there's no shouting or violence, I have two loving daughters, and I have reasons for staying alive, but other things are not so nice. I work in an all-black school and have been verbally beaten up by students and other teachers for four years now. I maintain two different lives.
My wife and I put a bid on a house in July, contingent on the sale of our townhouse. We had three months. Then the economic crisis happened. We thought we could get out of the contract because there were 25 couples to see our house and no bites, then, the 26th couple decided to buy, so we were off.
Only two weeks later my wife got word her company was laying off 8000 world-wide. My stress mounted, because I can't afford the house on my salary. We stood to lose and the fatalism, I kept on the back burner, crept into play.
I started looking for scapegoats. Whose fault was this crisis, it was theirs and theirs, and theirs...I ran the gamet, where does it end?
Slowly I began to unravel, and my posts reflected this. When I was this close to going straight over the top I got a PM from liftsiron that was somewhat of a slap in the face, so I stepped back.
I thought about the PM for days, I was furious, but before I became overcome by my natural inclination for slash and burn, I realized it wasn't the stress that has been building in me for 43 years, it was the fact I had the perspective of a fatalist, and as such, could only see the worst in everything. Everything.
I finally sent a PM to lifts, because I have always respected him.
Communication with a cool head can actually work wonders.
Then I just wanted to take the time to throw this out to the board, to give some credence to the outbursts which have defined my expression here for the last two months.
I think it will work out alright. My wife won't get laid off, she's too smart and valuable. I think I need to see the faith and not so much the deed.
Of course, I'm still suffering from post traumatic stress, but aren't we all?
In a word, I went over the top and was just plain offensive.
As I reflected on this I finally accepted what a psychologist tried to convince me of a year and a half ago, that I am experiencing post traumatic stress.
I tried to deny it, over the years (because I have heard this before), as I am of the generation that to overcome problems is to do just that, overcome, and get on with it, but certain behaviors have surfaced more and more so I decided to reflect on it.
I have witnessed a lot of death in my life, violent endings, trauma, and uncertainty. This started at age six when my mother and brother were killed in a fire and the house was destroyed. In addition, I have had a lot of violence in my personal life; beatings, getting hit in the head by a refrigerator thrown from the neighbors deck in college, accidents and the like (not from my father though). Altogether, they have tended to make me a fatalist.
I see everything ending badly, everything. The pressure is great.
I have been able to maintain in my present life because I have some cushioning. I am married to a nice girl, there's no shouting or violence, I have two loving daughters, and I have reasons for staying alive, but other things are not so nice. I work in an all-black school and have been verbally beaten up by students and other teachers for four years now. I maintain two different lives.
My wife and I put a bid on a house in July, contingent on the sale of our townhouse. We had three months. Then the economic crisis happened. We thought we could get out of the contract because there were 25 couples to see our house and no bites, then, the 26th couple decided to buy, so we were off.
Only two weeks later my wife got word her company was laying off 8000 world-wide. My stress mounted, because I can't afford the house on my salary. We stood to lose and the fatalism, I kept on the back burner, crept into play.
I started looking for scapegoats. Whose fault was this crisis, it was theirs and theirs, and theirs...I ran the gamet, where does it end?
Slowly I began to unravel, and my posts reflected this. When I was this close to going straight over the top I got a PM from liftsiron that was somewhat of a slap in the face, so I stepped back.
I thought about the PM for days, I was furious, but before I became overcome by my natural inclination for slash and burn, I realized it wasn't the stress that has been building in me for 43 years, it was the fact I had the perspective of a fatalist, and as such, could only see the worst in everything. Everything.
I finally sent a PM to lifts, because I have always respected him.
Communication with a cool head can actually work wonders.
Then I just wanted to take the time to throw this out to the board, to give some credence to the outbursts which have defined my expression here for the last two months.
I think it will work out alright. My wife won't get laid off, she's too smart and valuable. I think I need to see the faith and not so much the deed.
Of course, I'm still suffering from post traumatic stress, but aren't we all?
....sorry about your situation bro,my life isnt exactly a fucking cakewalk either right now....this year has sucked cock,BUT i remain hopeful and Positive...if it wasnt for my Family id be in Prison or Six Feet Deep.....Keep your head up!.......Zerker
