P
PTAaron
Guest
29 facts about Chuck
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fu@k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
darkside-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and SCHIT.COM on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death
by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact
change.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the SCHIT.COM out of little kids.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fu@k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
darkside-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying
"booya".
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every
popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and SCHIT.COM on their
floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from
"Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of
Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with
five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to
limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate
of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler
did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death
by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact
change.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he
can "accidentally" beat the SCHIT.COM out of little kids.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
